In a groundbreaking advancement for humanity’s collective sanity, scientists have unveiled No Scroll Kush, a cannabis strain specifically designed to combat the relentless cycle of doom-scrolling, three-second TikTok addiction, and the nagging sense that life is just one long string of videos telling you to “Wait for it!”

The development team behind No Scroll Kush identified a disturbing trend: people getting stuck in what they call the “Infinite Swipe Trap”—a state where users bounce from video to video, absorbing 0% of the content but achieving a strange sense of accomplishment, nonetheless. The symptoms? A thumb permanently bent into a scrolling position and a gradual loss of understanding of what daylight even is.

The Science Behind “No Scroll Kush”

“No Scroll Kush was created to break this trance and allow people to ask themselves, ‘Is there more to life than watching strangers chop oddly satisfying soap blocks and dance out of sync?’” explained Dr. Fiona Greene, lead researcher on the project. “We’ve engineered it to disrupt the brain’s desire for three-second dopamine hits, so users can finally experience the revolutionary act of… stopping.”

In lab studies, a single hit of No Scroll Kush shortened users’ screen time by 50%, replacing their TikTok reflex with an overwhelming urge to close their apps and, in some cases, sit in complete silence.

TikTok Detox: A Strain that Stops the Scroll

No Scroll Kush isn’t just another calming strain; it’s scientifically tuned to address specific TikTok-induced anxieties. One puff, and users reportedly stop caring about trending sounds, viral dance moves, or whether they need a 23-step skincare routine. “In most cases, they simply put down their phones and stared out the window,” Greene said. “Some even experienced an existential breakthrough, wondering if the meaning of life might actually be found outside their screens.”

The strain has also shown surprising effectiveness in curbing the urge to analyze why people they’ve never met are “cancelled,” follow seven-part rants that lead nowhere, and watch the same dance moves remixed into oblivion.

Side Effects May Include… Real-Life Epiphanies

Users of No Scroll Kush have reported side effects including spontaneous bouts of mindfulness, newfound interests in reading actual books, and—in what some have described as a shocking revelation—wondering about the meaning of life without feeling the need to Google it immediately.

In fact, after using No Scroll Kush, some users began asking themselves questions like, “What did people do before TikTok?” and “Is there more to life than scrolling?” The answer, No Scroll Kush seems to suggest, might just be… yes.

A Cure for the Swipe Cycle of Doom?

The strain is set to be released in select states soon, with an extra-strength version—“Zen Out Zaza”—planned for those who still find themselves reflexively opening TikTok after the first hit. According to Greene, Zen Out Zaza is designed to leave users so blissfully unbothered that they might even forget where they put their phones.

So, if you’re ready to break free from the three-second loop, put down the screen, and find out if life has meaning beyond content creation, No Scroll Kush might just be your perfect match. Because life is short, but the internet is apparently endless.