In a spectacle none of us could have predicted but all secretly wanted, former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris went head-to-head yesterday in a hot knife dab-off, each vying for the title of ‘Biggest Dab Taker in America.’ Hosted in a smoke-filled warehouse ‘somewhere in California,’ the event was part of an unconventional campaign to connect with younger voters, and to absolutely blow their minds.

The rules were simple: the candidate who could handle the largest dab without coughing up a lung or calling it quits would be declared the winner. Trump arrived prepared with a monogrammed dab rig and an entourage chanting “Best Dab Ever!” while Kamala came equipped with a dab tool shaped like a gavel and a playlist heavy on Snoop Dogg classics.

The first round saw Trump take an impressive-sized dab, releasing a thick, victorious cloud as he immediately launched into a monologue about being the greatest dabber the country has ever seen. “No one’s ever done a dab like this, believe me,” he declared as the crowd cheered and his team fanned away the vapor.

Kamala followed with a dab that had onlookers stunned as she smoothly held it in and, with a grin, calmly exhaled. A chuckling Kamala remarked, “This hits better than Senate debates,” as the crowd erupted in applause. She punctuated each exhale with “We did it, Joe,” sending the crowd into hysterics.

The contest intensified as each competitor demanded bigger and bigger dabs, with Trump boasting he could do this “all day,” and Kamala responding with “Bring it.” By round three, both contestants were visibly dazed, and their commentary became more abstract—Trump drifted into a monologue about the mysteries of THC, while Kamala started quoting Bob Marley lyrics.

In the end, it was an all-out tie, with both contestants unable to stand after their final dabs, each leaving the venue in what witnesses described as a “zen-like haze.”

As they were wheeled off the stage, each swore they’d “dabbled better” than the other.